Living in the Shadow

This morning I heard an interview on KLTY of Bart Millard.  At some point during the interview, he explained the lyrics for the song “Even If”.  As always the first verse, pierces my heart. It’s a personal declaration that has been true for me since 2015 when our first foster son was taken. It’s been compounded with other losses or unanswered prayer.

I’m committed to God, his will, his process and I won’t quit.  It’s not that I want to die. Its that most days I don’t want to live.  When I say live, I mean all of the tasks that are mine and mine alone.  I don’t want to wake the kids up for school, don’t want to fix breakfast, don’t want to shower, don’t want to find presentable clothes.  There’s no joy in those tasks.  I do it anyway because I’m supposed to and because the seemingly mundane tasks will lead to fleeting moments of joy

  • A call out of the blue from my niece or god-daughter.
  • A road trip with my sister, nieces, and little cousin – full of off-key singing and witty jokes,
  • a random declaration of love from my son and daughter.

When I’m by myself, done with all my tasks, and alone, adulting seems to be reluctant acceptance of a lack luster life that is fleetingly fulfilling but mostly just is. I prayed and I asked God

– “Trust and obey” – God

So, I do and I’m waiting on the joy to return.


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